Everyday is a battle for me. I keep fighting with myself. Should I eat that? I shouldn’t eat that. I should work out more. One more minute on the treadmill. One more set of the sit-up. I have left my job since last 10-15 days. I am still searching for a new job. Nowhere near finding one. I keep giving interviews but something falls off every time. I am not sure what is wrong. I am trying my best. I guess nobody wants to hire me. Or wants to hire me at a very low pay which is not acceptable to me.
I have given myself one month. By the end of this month I will have to either find a new job or move back home. Where I don’t have to worry about rent and bill and where I can work on sharpening my skill so I can be employed again. I don’t particularly like the idea of working under someone again but I don’t want the uncertainty of working on my own as well. I am kind of running on edge here. Torn between what my heart wants and what is more practical for me right now. I am feeling kind of disheartened and sad about not being able to find a new job so soon. And this immediate financial burden is also adding up on the weight. I cannot sleep at nights. I keep staring into the ceiling and thinking about when and where I can find a job. It’s completely futile. Staring into ceiling is not going to get me a job. But some things can’t be helped I guess.
I keep having ideas about writing mystery novels and adventure stories. But I never develop those ideas. I am keeping a log of them in my diary. So maybe in future I can research more about the subject and write about it then. Again. I guess I’m just postponing everything for a future that I think is waiting for me. Will it come? I am not sure. I keep daydreaming. Thing is I’m struggling to hold on to my ground. I feel like a warrior in a movie on the battle ground fighting with someone in the front and suddenly I get jabbed by a sword from my back or from my side or someone just shoots and arrow to my head. It’s utter chaos. I’m bleeding and need help. But I can’t call out my friends. They are fighting and wounded too fighting their own battles. All I can do is sew up my wounds and pick up the sword again. I wish I had an armour. But I guess you kinda lose that when you lose your job. Your financial security. I don’t want to depend on anyone again. Not even my parents. I want to support them. I feel disappointed that i can not do that right now.
I never understood the importance of financial freedom until now. If you don’t know when your next paycheck is going to come life becomes double hard. I wish I had saved up for this kinds of situations in life. But I guess I never thought this could happen to me. Well, lesson learnt. One point to life. what can i do in this situation. Just read and write I guess. Try to find inspiration to dream and learn the skills to make those dreams into reality. I really hope someone sees me fighting and holds out a hand. I can’t ask for help but I will accept it if offered.
7th April 2018