I always felf inside that I was born to do something bigger than myself. Something meanigful. Not only to myself but others as well. I felt I was different than the place and the people I was born to. I cannot be restrained to remain here and in this moment forever. I need to change things. Big things. But in my life up until now nothing of that sort has happned. I still feel like an outsider but, I am nowhere near fulfilling my dream of doing something meaningful with my life. I am old enough to make decisions on my own now, and I feel my family will support me. But the most frustrating part is that I am so indecisive. I cannot decide what is it that I want to do. Let alone meaningful life, I have become so docile and impassive that I am afraid I won’t have a life at all before I die.
Just finished watching “The Motorcycle diaries”. Inspiring and moving story of two friends who embark upon a journy that changes their lives. Ernesto and Alberto. The movie is based on the book of the same title written by Che Guevara. I have heard the name of Che and that he was a rebel leader and how he was an inspiration for millions across the world. But, before I saw this movie it was just another name for me. Just words no feelings. I didnt know him. I didn’t know his cause. I didnt know why so many people liked him, still like him. I think I understand a bit now. I have started to. Where did he come from and what changed him to become what he did? I admire his courage. Although I only know the journey that changed him. It gave him the spark that later on ignited the fire. I’d like to know more about him. How that spark turned into fire and burned the injustice even a little bit in the Americas. Some people are just born to do great things. Or they go through some kind of metamorphosis and do great things anyway even if they come from humble origins.
I have a lot of ideas. But I also have a lot of excuses. Which makes it kind of hard to put my ideas into actions. I know in my heart that I don’t want to make a living out sitting in front of a computer for 8+ hours everyday, it kills my spirit. But right now that is the only job which will pay me good enough. My true calling might be something else but I cannot see it right now as I am shielding my eyes with the cover of money. It’s not that I am greedy. It’s just that I have a debt to pay. I dream of roaming the world but this debt comes in the way. I want to become a writer. I want to tell stories that people would like to read. That people would relate to and get lost in the worlds I create out of mere words. I want my words to give courage and hope to people who need it, like me when I found solace in books. But when I start to write something it turns out to be total rubbish. It turns out to be just words on paper and no feelings. It discourages me and sets me back in time. It takes more and more effort each time to get back on my feet and start again. The fear of failure is the most disheartening. Breaks me even before I start. I fear failure so much I don’t start anything at all. I want to become a writer, an artist and a traveller. It doesn’t get any simpler than that. I know what I want. I think I know as it would be hard to be sure without actually doing any of those things. And I don’t get to do those things for I am afraid I’d be bad at it. My biggest fear is I will die without having lived.
I feel so empty inside sometimes that I want to do crazy things to myself just to feel something. I have thought about going on a solo journy to someplace faraway. Where I can be myself and where I can meet people who don’t think I am a disappointment becuase I am not thin and married. You know sometimes in life you think you know what you like and what you don’t but life is so unexpected and bizzare that your likes and dislikes change without warning. You mean to say one thing but something else comes out of your mouth. You disappoint so many people that you just lose the will to even try to do good things for the sake of other. You get fucked by life and people so many times that you don’t trust anyone. And that lack of trust spreads through like a plague and slowly you start losing trust in your own self, in your own abilities. I forget very often what is it that I am living for. The journy has so many distractions. What do I do when I can’t go on and I can’t stay put? What do I do when the thunder inside me won’t let me sleep and the quiet life outside of me would drive me crazy?