Insecurities: my toxic relationship with food and weight

It seems to me that I have created a bad habit and relationship with food. It didn’t start that way. All of it started with my own insecurities with my body and lack of confidence in myself. I used to be a little bit self conscious but overall happy with how I looked and felt. But a little comment here, a little comment there. I hear people talk about me and others like me in a very unhealthy way. I see guys liking skinnier prettier girl. I see colleagues, friends, family members talk about how girls should look and behave a certain way to be deemed attractive or desirable. I hear people making passing remarks on girls, women, as if they are just objects and not fellow human beings with feelings and personality. And I see all of this reinforced in media I consume as well. The hero falls in love with the pretty demure girl who is a wife material and loved by the whole fucking family just for being beautiful and silent.

I see and I hear everything for so many years and I see myself in the mirror and I can’t help but compare. I hate what I see. I am never satisfied with how I look. I always self criticise. I judge myself and I pass that judgement on others. I stopped seeing people and started putting them on scales of how much good looking or attractive they are before even knowing them. I judge people. And I judge myself. I want to be that skinny girl the hero falls in love with. Don’t know why I’d want to, but it’s years of bullshit accumulated in my brain. It’s hard to get rid off.

So around two years ago I reached my limits. I was crying uncontrollably and just wanted to get out of my own skin because that’s how much I hated myself. And I was crying because you can’t just become skinnier overnight. I started on a very strict diet and workout then onwards. Very healthy in the beginning. I wasn’t seeing much results so I started extreme diets. I’d even starve myself. Then I’d binge on something. Then feel bad about it and starve again. Started calorie counting and noting down what I ate, when I ate, how much I ate. It’s so suffocating now. I can’t see delicious food in front of me. All I see is ingredients and calories and if I ate it how many meals I’d have to skip. If you offer me food and you see me thinking about it, it’s probably because I’m counting how many calories are in it and how many meals I’d have to skip for it and whether it would be worth eating it even if it means starving later. That’s what’s going on in my mind. I can’t enjoy eating together with my family. I even get angry on them for asking me to eat with them. Because I feel like they are not understanding how much I’m suffering amd holding back on my own. It’s not their fault either. I never told anyone that I’m suffering.

Well.. anyway.. that’s still going on. I’m still on a very uneven unhealthy diet. I hate how I look. I hate that I see calories and not food. I hate that I’m judgemental about how people look, including myself. I don’t want to be this ignorant shallow person who judges a book by its cover. I want to change. I want to become more healthy and have a healthy mindset. I want become more confident about myself, my looks, my weight, and my personality. Above all, I just want to have a damn decent meal with my family without feeling guilty or angry about it. I just don’t know how!